The Three Spinners

March 8, 2010 at 9:04 pm (Fairy Tales, Humor, Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , )

Once upon a time there was a girl who was very lazy and would not do her spinning. Her mother tried all sorts of things to get Belinda to spin but none of them worked, and Belinda sat in her room, doing nothing. Finally, her mother had had enough, and began to beat her lazy daughter. Just then, the Queen was walking by — the queen regularly went on walks down the main shopping streets of the city, and Belinda’s family owned a high-end thread shop — and heard the sounds of the loudly-crying girl. The queen walked into the house (which was open because it doubled as a shop) and saw the woman beating her daughter.

“Why are you beating your daughter? Don’t you know that everyone on the street can hear her cries?” Now, you see, no one really cared that the girl was being beaten (for in Fairytale Land it is ok to spank your children, because if you are a wicked-type person you will be punished in the end, but if you are a good-type person you will live happily ever after, thus good parents can beat their children with no fear) but they did care that her cries were disrupting their morning shopping.

“Your Majesty, I apologize for disrupting your morning shopping, but I had to do something to stop my daughter from spinning.” This was a complete lie of course, but the Mother of Belinda was really embarrassed by her lazy daughter.

“Why is that a problem? Who wouldn’t want a daughter who is so willing to help her family.”

“Your Majesty, the problem is that I cannot get her to stop, and I will soon run out of flax for her to spin.”

“Well,’ said the Queen, “I like nothing better than the sound of the spinning wheel, and always feel happy when I hear its humming; let me take your daughter with me to the castle- I have plenty of flax, she shall spin there to her heart’s content.”

The mother was torn, she wanted to get rid of her lazy daughter, but she didn’t want the Queen to know that she had lied. “Well, umm…” She began, but the Queen stopped her: “I know that you will miss your daughter horribly, so I will offer you 100 gold coins for her services.”

The mother couldn’t pass up that generous offer, and soon the girl was sent off to the castle.

Once the Queen and Belinda arrived at the castle, the girl was hurried off to a set of rooms that contained more flax than she had ever set eyes on. In the center of the very large room (in the only clear space) sat a sinning wheel.  Belinda stood there in shock for a few moments staring at all the flax.

The Queen squeezed into the room behind Belinda and said, “Now spin me this flax, and when you have spun all of it into the finest thread, you may marry my eldest son, Francois.”

“Really?” asked Belinda. “I am poor, and I thought that only a princess could marry a prince.”

“As there are no Princesses available for my son to marry, I am a little bit desperate, and if you manage to spin all this flax, I will consider it dowry enough.”

The queen left the room, and Belinda continued to stare at all the flax. The room was as big as three regular-sized rooms, and the flax was piled all the way up to the soaring ceiling. There was no way she could spin all that flax even if she spent every minute of every day and night for the next three hundred years spinning, that is, if she had done as her mother had asked and learned to spin.

Once the shock of the sheer volume of flax wore off, Belinda broke down and sobbed. And cried. And wailed. And made quite a ruckus. For three entire days Belinda wept. One the third day, the Queen came in and saw that Belinda had not spun a singe bit of flax.

“What have you been doing these past three days?” inquired the slightly annoyed Queen.

“I have not been able to work, Your Majesty, for grief of leaving my mother.”

“Well, she isn’t dead. She may come to the wedding. Tomorrow you will spin the flax.”

Once the Queen left her alone, Belinda sat on the floor wonder what to do. If only she had learned to spin! But alas, she was a lazy girl, and had not. She soon got bored of sitting on the floor, and climbed over all the flax to look out the window. A few minutes passed, then Belinda saw three women passing by. They were hideous — one had a huge foot, one had an enormous thumb, and the last had a giant lip.

Belinda was still weeping, and her sniffles attracted the attention of the three women. They asked her what the matter was, and Belinda told them of her troubles with the room full of flax and the Queens outrageous expectations. The three women offered to help her spin the flax, on one condition: that Belinda invite them to the wedding as her aunts, have them sit at the familial wedding table and not be ashamed of their hideous figures.

“Yes! Yes! Of course!” Cried Belinda.

The three women came in and began to work. One drew the thread and trod on the wheel with her huge foot, one moistened the thread with her enormous lip, and the last pressed it and beat it on the table with her giant thumb and every time she did so, a pile of fine thread fell on the floor.

Every day the Queen came in to check on the progress of the spinning. When she arrived, Belinda hid the three women, and sat at the spinning wheel herself. The Queen praised her for her excellent work. After a week all the flax was spun, and the three spinner women left, reminding Belinda to remember their bargain.

The Queen came in to the empty room, and was very impressed at the speed and skill with which the girl had spun the flax into thread. The wedding was arranged, and Belinda remembered to invite the three spinners and seat them at the table with Belinda and her new Husband, Prince Francois.

When the three hideous women arrived, Belinda exclaimed “Oh, Welcome, my dearest aunts! What fine dresses you have.”

The Prince looked at the women, and looked at Belinda, and then leaned over to her and whispered “How is it you have such ugly relations, when you are so beautiful.”

Belinda just smiled, and went off to do the Father-Daughter dance. While Belinda was off dancing, Prince Francois approached the three hideous spinners. “Why is it you have such a large foot?” He tactlessly asked the first woman.

“It is from threading and treading a spinning wheel,” she responded.

“Why is it you have such an enormous lip?” He again tactlessly asked the second woman.

“It is from moistening the thread for spinning,” she replied.

He went up to the third sister, and, with just as little tact as before, asked “Why do you have such a gigantic thumb?”

“From pressing the thread after spinning it,” she cackled.

The Prince panicked at the thought that his lovely wife could turn out to look like these revolting women. Belinda came to him after her dance with her father. Francois grabbed her shoulders and said “I forbid you from ever spinning ever ever again! I couldn’t bear for you to end up looking like those… spinner women.” His revulsion suited Belinda’s laziness quite well, and she lived happily ever after with her Prince. The three spinners also lived happily ever after, with a nice supply of fine flax donated from the happily married couple.

THE END.

If you would like to check out an original version of the story go to http://www.bartleby.com/17/2/8.html

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Puss in Boots

February 17, 2010 at 1:05 am (Fairy Tales, Humor, Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Once upon a time an old miller died and left very little to his three sons: the mill, the donkey, and the cat. Instead of dividing up the inheritance and giving each son an equal worth, the miller took the easy road, and gave each of his sons one item (because, really, what did he care if they fought and were angry with their portion, he would be dead). So the oldest son got the mill, the middle son got the donkey, and the youngest son got the cat. 

Now the youngest son, Ricky, was no dummy. He knew that he was getting the short end of the stick with the cat as his only inheritance. The oldest brother had a mill, and could do all those miller things that earn money. The middle son got the donkey and could get hired by the oldest brother to use his donkey at the mill. But Ricky only had a cat. They weren’t going to hire him to use his cat as a mouser when it would be so much cheaper to buy (or capture) a cat of their own. 

So Ricky sat down and wailed in despair, for after he had eaten the cat and used its fur as a muff, he would have nothing but a cat-fur muff and no food. The cat, named Ferdinand, did not want to be eaten and made into a muff, and so he devised an ingenious plan. He went up to Ricky and said: “Master Ricky, if you trust me, I will make you rich.”

“OK, Boots,” said Ricky, “what do you need me to do?” 

Wait a minute. A cat is talking. Why doesn’t anyone notice that animals don’t normally speak human languages? Why is no one surprised? Well, I don’t have an answer for that. Just remember this story takes place in Fairytale Land where anything is possible (even a cat turning into a loaf of bread). 

Ferdinand responded to Ricky’s question, “I need you to get me a bag, and have a pair of boots made for me, and then I can help you. And my name is Ferdinand, not Boots.” 

Ricky went to get the bag and have the boots made; all the time wondering why a cat would need a pair of boots. But he got the items anyway and gave them to Ferdinand the cat. Ferdinand was very pleased with his leather boots, and set off at once to carry out his plan. 

Ferdinand took his bag and his newly booted feet out to a field put some barley and carrots in the bag. Then he lay down, pretending to be dead. A rabbit jumped in his bag to get at the food, and Ferdinand closed the bag with the rabbit inside of it. Ferdinand took his prize to the king, and presented it to him as a gift. “Sir,” Ferdinand said, “I have brought you a rabbit from my noble lord, the Master of Carabas.” Ferdinand had chosen this name for Ricky because he liked the sound of it, and he wanted to get back at Ricky for always calling him ‘Boots’ instead of Ferdinand. 

The King was baffled that a cat had brought a single dead rabbit as a gift from this ‘Master of Carabas.’ But he thanked the cat, and sent him on his way. Ferdinand then went back to the field and caught several partridges in the same manner as before. He gave one to Ricky (“Oh, thank you Boots!” “My name isn’t Boots!”), and took the rest to the King. 

Once more Ferdinand sauntered into the castle and presented the gift of a brace of partridges to the King. He continued bringing gifts to the king, claiming they were from his master, the Marquis of Carabas, over the course of a few months (Ricky just sat back and relaxed as Ferdinand brought him food and comic books). The King was baffled by his behavior and the increasing size of the gifts (the last of which was an elk). 

One day, Ferdinand knew the king and his daughter (the most beautiful princess in the world) would be traveling by a nearby stream in his carriage. Ferdinand told Ricky to take a bath in that stream and to start shouting “thieves” when Ferdinand signaled to him.”Ok, Boots, I trust that you have a plan.” “My name is NOT Boots. The other 13 cats in the village are named Boots. I am Ferdinand!” 

While Ricky bathed, Ferdinand stole his clothes and hid them under a rock. Then, when the king was riding by in the carriage, Ferdinand signaled Ricky to start yelling. As Ricky yelled, Ferdinand ran in front of the carriage. It stopped, and the king and his daughter looked out to see what the commotion was. 

“Sir! Help! My Lord Marquis of Carabas is going to be drowned.” 

The king, who had become fond of the peculiar cat, ordered his men to immediately pull the cat’s master out of the stream. They saw that he was naked (the King shielded his daughter’s eyes), and the King ordered for his men to retrieve a suit of clothes for Ricky. While they waited for the clothes, Ferdinand explained to the king and princess that his master had been bathing in the stream when a pack of thieves set upon him. When they could not drown his master, they had stolen his clothes. 

When the clothes arrived, and Ricky had dressed, the King invited him to ride in the royal carriage with him and his daughter (named Sophia).  Sophia saw that Ricky looked very nice in the clothes (and from the glimpse she had seen before her father had covered her eyes, very nice out of them too) and took a secret liking to the handsome ‘lord.’ Ricky accepted, and got in the carriage. 

Ferdinand ran ahead to all the fields along the path and told the workers “My good fellows, if you do not tell the king that all this grain belongs to the Marquis of Carabas, you shall be chopped up like mincemeat.” They all agreed, fearing the wrath of the small talking cat (for these men had never before encountered a talking animal, and thus feared its power). So when the king passed by, the workers told him that the prosperous fields they worked belonged to the Marquis of Carabas. The king was very impressed by the Prosperity of the man he thought was a lord. 

Ferdinand reached a castle at the end of the road, and knew it to be owned by an ogre.  When Ferdinand knocked on the door, the ogre invited the cat in as civilly as an ogre could — which turns out to be very civil, despite what many people believe. 

“My lord Ogre,” began the cat. 

“Call me Bob,” interrupted the ogre. 

“Bob, I have heard that you are the owner of this grand castle, and that you have mighty power — the power even to turn yourself into any creature you have a mind to, such as a lion or an elephant.” 

“That is true. Would you like a demonstration?” Bob asked eagerly, for he did so love to show off his talents. 

“Why yes, I would greatly enjoy that,” Ferdinand replied. So the Ogre turned himself into a big lion. Ferdinand was frightened by the beast, and jumped up onto the roof (Ferdinand was an excellent jumper you see, but his boots were not made for climbing on roofs, so he quickly came down again). 

“That was impressive!” exclaimed the cat. “But can you also turn yourself into a small creature, say a mouse, or rat?” 

“Of course!” shouted the ogre eagerly, and he promptly turned himself into a mouse. Ferdinand wasted no time, and pounced on the ogre turned mouse, and ate him. “Sorry Bob,” said the cat when he had finished eating the mouse. 

Just then the Ricky, the princess and the king arrived at the castle. “Welcome to the castle of the lord Marquis of Carabas!” Ferdinand announced. 

“My, what a grand castle,” said the king. “I hope that you will consider marrying my daughter, Marquis.” 

“Call me Ricky, and yes, I would love to marry Sophia.” This was not an odd occurrence, for many marriages during this time in Fairytale Land happened in just this manner. 

The two were married on the spot, and lived happily ever after, for they had both fallen madly in love with each other during that short carriage ride. 

Ferdinand also lived happily ever after in the castle, with servants of his own. He never had to chase another mouse or bird again, that is, unless he wanted to. But he did still have to put up with being called ‘Boots’ by Ricky. 

Check out an original version of this story at http://www.pitt.edu/~dash/perrault04.html

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The Princess and the Pea

February 11, 2010 at 7:02 pm (Fairy Tales, Humor, Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Once upon a time there was a Prince, named Wendell, who never wanted to leave his mother’s side. That’s right; he was a complete mama’s boy. This unfortunate trait was not helped by the fact that his mother the Queen kept telling Wendell every girl he liked was not good enough for him. To prove to her darling boy that these women (princesses mostly) were not worthy of him, the Queen devised a ridiculous plan that would “prove” if a girl was a real princess, for a Prince could only marry a real Princess.

Her plan was to place a pea under 20 mattresses and 20 down comforters, and then any girl who did not feel the pea obviously couldn’t be a real princess. Now, as there is no possible way anyone could feel a pea under that many mattresses, no real princess would ever be found, and the Queen would never lose her darling Wendell to another woman.

One stormy night, a knock sounded on the castle door. Wendell, excited at the prospect of a guest, scurried over to the door and opened it before the butler could. Standing on the doorstep was a girl. A very very wet girl. She might normally be pretty, but just then she looked like a drowned rat — that is how awful the weather was. So Wendell let the girl in.

“I’m so sorry to barge in on you like this,” said the girl, “but it was raining so hard, and my carriage broke down, and yours was the only place nearby.”

“It is no trouble at all, right Mama?” Prince Wendell asked eagerly.

“No dear, it is no trouble at all. I am Queen Henrietta, this is my son Prince Wendell.”

“Thank you, my name is Princess Elizabeth.”

“Welcome Princess Elizabeth. Let me just get the servants to prepare a room for you,” the Queen said with a glint of mischief in her eye.

And so the servants hauled the 20 mattresses and 20 down comforters out of the basement, and into the room where the Queen was placing a pea on the bed frame. When the room was finished the Queen sent a servant to show the girl her room.

Once she arrived in the room, Elizabeth was confronted with the tall tower of mattresses. “How am I supposed to get up there?!” The princess exclaimed. As she looked at the stack of mattresses, she recalled hearing tale of this Queen. One of her friends, Princess Mary, had stayed the night here, and was rudely ejected from the castle after saying she slept well. So Princess Elizabeth devised a plan.

The next morning, Princess Elizabeth woke up early, and climbed from her makeshift bed on the floor, up to the top of the mattress tower. Soon after she finally made it to the top, the servants came to help her get ready and take her to breakfast.

At breakfast Queen Henrietta asked her customary visiting-princess question: “How did you sleep last night?”

Princess Elizabeth, guessing what the Queen was up to, said, “Oh just awfully! My bed was so hard; I hardly slept a wink! I just couldn’t get comfortable all night. I am sure my skin is black and blue. I am surprised that you would allow a guest to sleep on such a horrible bed. I had always heard of your hospitality, Queen Henrietta, but I am afraid that I just can’t agree with what everyone says after last night!”

Prince Wendell poked his mother, and whispered: “Mama! She’s the one! She felt the pea! A real princess. Wow!” The Queen was shocked. How in the world had a bed made of 20 mattresses and 20 down comforters not been soft enough? Whatever the reason, the Queen was trapped; she had to let her son marry this girl.

“Well Princess,” said the Queen, “You have passed my test; you are indeed a real princess. And as a real princess, you may marry my son. I will make plans for the wedding to take place in one week.”

“WHAT?!?!?” Shouted the Princess, leaping to her feet. “I only came here because my carriage broke down. I don’t want to get married. I have a country to run, and I am not going to let some Mama’s boy Prince swoop in and take my power! Oh no! I’m going back to England!” And with that the Princess dashed from the castle, fixed her carriage all by herself, and rode back to England. Where she ruled as Queen for many years and never got married.

The prince and his mama were baffled by the girl’s reaction. They too lived long and happy lives, entertaining not-so real princesses for the rest of their days.

THE END

If you would like to read the original Hans Christian Anderson story of the Princess and the Pea, follow this link: http://hca.gilead.org.il/princess.html

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Hansel and Gretel

February 4, 2010 at 7:07 pm (Fairy Tales, Humor, Uncategorized) (, , , , , , )

Once upon a time, a poor woodcutter and his new wife lived near a forest with his two children, Hansel and Gretel. Now most people have heard that the wicked step-mother left the two children out in the woods to die so that she and her husband would not starve. That is not what happened at all. Hansel and Gretel were not the little children of that story; they were both fully grown. Hansel was really really ridiculously good looking but not too smart, and Gretel was really smart but only average-looking. Gretel didn’t like being stuck as a poor woodcutter’s daughter, so she decided to make Hansel into a model and act as his agent. The Stepmother and Father gave them the last loaf of bread they owned so that the two “children” would have something to eat on their way to the city — which was all the way on the other side of the forest. So Hansel and Gretel set out. Gretel whipped out her GPS unit (which she had won from a radio contest) to guide them through the forest and into the city. Hansel, as a future model, refused to eat carbs, so he left a little trail of bread crumbs in case he ever wanted find his way home to visit.

They walked and walked through the deep forest. The sun dipped beneath the horizon, and Hansel and Gretel continued walking, following the directions of the GPS. However, when the sun rose, the batteries on the GPS died. Hansel was supposed to grab extra batteries before leaving the cottage, but he had gotten distracted by the mirror. Gretel looked to Hansel and said, “Hansel, where did you put the extra batteries?”

“Batteries?” Hansel replied, “What batteries?”

“YOU FOOL!” Gretel yelled at her idiot brother. “I gave you one task, ‘grab some extra batteries Hansel,’ I said, but no, you couldn’t even do that. Ugh. Now what are we supposed to do? How are we to find the city now, with no directions and no way to get batteries?” Hansel stood there a moment, as his sister sat and wept on the ground.

“I’ve got it!” Hansel cried. “I left a trail of bread crumbs back to the house, in case I ever wanted to go back and visit. Why don’t we follow it now?”

They looked for Hansel’s trail, but it had all been eaten up by the birds. Gretel became very frustrated with her stupid brother and said, “Not only did you not bring the batteries, but you also managed to get rid of all our food. You idiot. Well, I guess we will just have to keep going ad hope we make it to the city. Come on.”

They walked, and walked, and walked some more, but they did not find the city. They did, however, come across a gingerbread house in the woods. You may be wondering ‘why would there be a house made of gingerbread?’ The reason is simple. The “witch,” called Grizelda, was a master pastry chef before she retired to live in the peaceful seclusion of the forest. As it is illegal to cut down trees without a license, Grizelda couldn’t build a house out of wood (not that she had the skills to do so anyway). What she could do was build it out of gingerbread. There were no laws against that, and she had all the materials, and the skill. But I digress, Hansel saw the house, and thought it looked delicious. Gretel saw it, and wondered who the heck would build their house out of gingerbread. Hansel made a beeline straight for the house, and began to eat.

Gretel saw Hansel eating the house and shouted at him, “Hansel! You know you can’t eat carbs. Stop! Right now!” Hansel hadn’t realized that a gingerbread house had carbs, and so he stopped eating. Grizelda had heard Gretel’s shouting and came out of the house. “Oh! My dears you must be hungry. Come inside, I have a nice pot pie baking in the oven,” said Grizelda. Now, as Grizelda is an old woman, it isn’t strange that she thinks they must be hungry, because she thinks everyone must be hungry. Gretel, always one to say yes to free things, said, “How very kind of you. Come on Hansel.” So they went inside with the old woman.

As Hansel and Gretel chowed down on the delicious meal, Gretel noticed that there were huge chests full of gold, pearls and jewels lining the walls. It may seem strange that an old woman living out in the woods has so much money, but she had been a very successful pastry chef. Gretel knew that getting Hansel started as a model would be expensive: all the photos they would have to take; all the portfolios they would have to print up; all the clothes they would have to buy; all the costs of getting a place to live. It certainly wasn’t going to be cheap. Gretel decided to steal the old woman’s riches, and use them to get herself and Hansel set up in the city.

Grizelda tried to stop the robbery, but she was no match for the two young criminals. Gretel shoved the old woman during the altercation, and Grizelda fell into the oven. Luckily, the oven was only warm, as Grizelda had shut it off after pulling out the pot pie. She got a small burn on her arm, and bruised her knee. AS Grizelda was pulling herself back up, Hansel and Gretel ran out of the house with their stolen goods, and went to the city. They told everyone the story of two children who barely escaped being eaten by an old witch to cover their crimes. The story generated a large following, and Hansel became a very successful model. Because, you know, Hansel, he’s so hot right now.

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Goldilocks and the Three Bears

February 1, 2010 at 8:15 pm (Fairy Tales, Humor, Uncategorized) (, , , , , , )

Once upon a time a little girl named Goldilocks went for a walk. Now you might think that Goldilocks is a very strange name for a parent to bestow upon his or her child, but Goldilocks had eleven older siblings, and her parents had run out of names. Her father took one look at her and said, “Hmmm, this one had golden locks of hair. What about…. Goldilocks?” Her mother responded, “Oh, I don’t even care anymore. That works. At least we will be able to tell which one she is.”

But back to the real story; Goldilocks was out walking, and she ran across a little house in the woods. It was a surprisingly nice house, considering that it was deep in the woods far away from civilization. Now, you might be wondering why a little girl was wandering about, totally unsupervised, deep in the woods, but you have to realize that with eleven older siblings, her parents don’t really care what she does.

But again, back to the story. Goldilocks was dancing and skipping about so, by the time she got to the house, Goldi was pretty tired. She went up to the house, pushed open the door, and went in. Goldi had never learned about stranger danger, nor had she learned about common decency — such as knocking. So Goldi entered the secluded little house, and found that no one was home. It was a strange house, with big scratches on the floor, and lots of berries and fish hanging from the ceiling, but Goldi noticed none of this because there were three big bowls of porridge on the counter. She was very hungry and ran up to the counter. Normally, Goldilocks would turn up her nose as such boring cuisine, but she had really exerted herself on her walk, and was ready to eat anything. She couldn’t find a spoon (because really, why would a bear need a spoon?) so Goldi stuck her face in the first bowl. It was much too hot, so she tried the next bowl. It was much too cold, so Goldi stuck her face in the last bowl, which had just the right amount of sugar in it. Goldi disgustingly slurped up the contents of the bowl, licking up every last drop.

Once she had finished eating, Goldilocks saw three big chairs. They were especially fluffy looking, so she ran over to try them out. The first chair was so big; Goldi couldn’t even climb up into it. The second chair was a rocking chair, and Goldilocks rocked in it so hard that she went flying off the chair. Goldi didn’t like falling off, so she tried the third chair. It was a bean bag chair that was just the right size, but Goldi didn’t have the attention span to just sit in it, so she went upstairs to check out the rest of this house.

Upstairs Goldilocks found two beds. You were probably expecting for there to be three beds, but Mamma and Papa bear are married and thus share a bed. The first bed Goldi tried was much too firm. The second was perfect — not too small, not too firm. Goldi jumped on the bed for a bit, but she soon tired and fell asleep in the bed.

Meanwhile, the three bears were out on a hunting trip. They had made their porridge, and then realized that it would go very nicely with some salmon. So off they went to the river to catch some salmon. The bears caught a few fish and headed back to their little house. When they got there, Papa bear noticed that the front door was wide open. The three bears rushed into the house and, upon entering, saw porridge splattered all over the house. Then they saw that there was a hole in the wall from where a little foot had crashed through it after being propelled from the rocking chair. Then the three rushed upstairs, fearing the worst. The destruction in that room was terrible. Feathers floated in the air from a ripped pillow. A spring was sticking up through the baby bear’s bed. A little golden head drooled on a decorative pillow. The Mamma bear roared, “HOW DARE YOU RUIN MY DECORATIONS! LOOK HOW MUCH CLEANING I HAVE TO DO! HAVE YOU NO MANNERS? GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” Up popped little Goldilocks from the bed. She gave a little wave to the bears, and then jumped out the window. Somehow Goldi didn’t get hurt, and she ran, skipped and danced her way home.

The End.

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