The Three Billy Goats Gruff

May 28, 2010 at 1:12 pm (Fairy Tales, Humor, Uncategorized) (, , , , , )

Once upon a time there were three billy goats of varying sizes. They wanted to go up to the hillside, where the grass was much greener, to make themselves fat. The names of these three billy goats were Tiny Tim Gruff, Buttercup Gruff, and  Bubba Gruff.

To get to the luscious grass on the hillside, however, the three billy goats Gruff had to cross the stream. It was a wide and swift stream, easy enough for a bear to cross, but much too large for a goat. A bridge spanned the distance between the banks, but it was a well-known fact that a terrible troll lived under the bridge. He was a particularly nasty troll, for he had eyes as big as saucers, and a nose as long as a poker, and his name was Gertrude. His mother had wanted a girl troll so badly that she gave him a girls’ name, and pretended poor Gertrude was female for the first 2 years of his life. That was enough to make any person nasty, so when you add in the irritable nature common to trolls, a ferocious under-bridge troll was to be expected.

So first of all came the youngest Billy Goat Gruff, Tiny Tim, to cross the bridge. He limped up slowly, somehow beating his siblings to the bridge.

“Trip, trap, trip, scrape! Trip, trap, trip, scrape! ” went the bridge.

“Who’s that tripping and scraping, and limping over my bridge?” roared Gertrude the perpetually angst-ridden troll .

“Oh, it is only I, the tiniest Billy Goat Gruff, Tiny Tim , and I’m going up to the hillside to make myself fat, for I am a very small and bony goat,” weezed Tiny Tim, with such a small and quavering voice.

“No you’re not! I’m coming up to gobble you, and you obviously can’t run away because of your lame leg!” grumbled the troll triumphantly.

“Oh, no! Pray don’t eat me. I’m too little, that I am, all skin, and bones, and no juicy meat to speak of!” squealed Tiny Tim. “Wait a bit until my sister Buttercup Gruff comes. She’s much bigger, with lean muscle.”

“Well, I like a good high-grade meat, and you are obviously too little to be really filling, so be off with you,” griped the troll.

A little while later Buttercup Gruff came skipping and bounding up to the bridge, her horns adorned with bows and flowers. (The flowers were the reason she lagged so far behind her gimpy brother.)

“Trip, trap, skip, bounce, trippy, trapity,” went the bridge.

“Who’s that tripping and skipping over my bridge?” roared Gertrude.

“Oh, it’s the second Billy Goat Gruff, Buttercup, and I’m going up to the hillside to make daisy chains, and to eat lovely grass to make myself fat,” said Buttercup, who hadn’t such a small voice as Tiny Tim, but rather had a medium voice.

“Wrong! Now I’m coming to gobble you up,” shrieked Gertrude.

“Oh, no! Don’t take me. I am so covered in perfume and flowers I am sure to upset your stomach! And my bows would get stuck in your teeth.Wait a little till my older brother comes. He’s much bigger, and tastier.”

“Phew! You are right, that perfume is sure to upset my stomach, I can hardly stand it even at this distance. Now get off my bridge,” harrumphed the troll.

But just then the big Billy Goat Gruff, Bubba, lumbered up to the bridge .

“Thump, thump, thump, thump!” went the bridge, for the billy goat was so heavy that the bridge creaked and groaned under him.

“Who’s that tramping over my bridge?” roared Gertrude, full of anger and hunger.

“Bubba Gruff,” said the billy goat, who had a voice quite like that of a cow.

“Now I ‘m coming to gobble you up,” roared the troll.

Bubba Gruff stomped and wiggled his head, trying to remember the poem he was supposed to recite at times like these. He was every bit as large as a bull, and wasn’t too smart, but he had his little poem memorized.

“Well, come along! I’ve got two spears,
And I’ll poke your eyeballs out at your ears;
I’ve got besides two curling-stones,
And I’ll crush you to bits, body and bones.”

That was what the big billy goat said. And then he flew at the troll, much faster than one would expect of a goat of this size, and poked his eyes out with his horns, and crushed him to bits, body and bones, and tossed him out into the stream, and after that he went up to the hillside, just as he had told the unfortunate troll. There the billy goats got so fat they were scarcely able to walk home again. And if the fat hasn’t fallen off them, why, they’re still fat; and so,

Snip, snap, snout.
This tale’s told out.

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