Little Red Riding Hood

June 4, 2010 at 10:06 am (Fairy Tales, Humor, Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , )

Once upon a time, a young girl, whose real name was Scarlet Ruby Rouge, went to go on a picnic with her grandmother. She was the great-granddaughter of The Little Red Riding Hood, but unlike her mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother, Red did not want to continue the vendetta against wolves and marry a wood-cutter, she wanted to be a model.

Luckily, Village’s Next Top Model was going to be in her village that spring. Scarlet had to prepare. She was 2 lbs heavier than she wanted to be, and she began a strict diet: celery with mustard for breakfast, pita bread with fruit for lunch, cucumber with vinegar for dinner. Her mother, Ruby Rose Rouge, thought that her daughter had gone crazy. Who wants to eat celery with mustard for breakfast?

Three days into the diet, Scarlet’s mother decided that maybe her mother, Ginger Rossa Redford, could convince Scarlet to eat, and follow the family path of hunting wolves and marrying woodcutters. Scarlet was getting to be an old maid by her family’s standards; Little Red Riding Hood had been married at the age of 11, her daughter, Ginger Rossa Redford, had been married by age 13, and her daughter, Ruby Rose Rouge had been married by the age of 12. Scarlet was about to turn 18, and she had not yet even met a woodcutter!

So Ruby sent Scarlet to her grandmother’s house with a loaf of bread, a bowl of butter and a bottle of wine. Scarlet had been sent to her grandmother’s house in this fashion many times, and each time she was forced to wear a little red riding hood, as was family tradition. But Scarlet had never met a wolf, and hadn’t been saved by a woodcutter, despite her mother’s best efforts.

Scarlet walked through the forest, expecting nothing to happen. The first few times she walked through the forest alone, she had been afraid of wolves, but now she was just bored.

“Wait a second!” Scarlet cried joyously, “Walking is exercise! Perhaps I should use the basket of food as a set of weights so I will be tone by the time Villages Next Top Model comes to our village!”

So she walked, and used the basket as a weight, but what she didn’t realize is that her loud shouting had woken up a nasty wolf. One who had survived the Red family vendetta. He followed the girl for some way, and then popped out onto the trail just ahead of Scarlet.

“Hello little girl,” he gruffly growled.

“Hello Mr. Wolf. I didn’t know that there were any wolves still in the area.” Scarlet replied.

“Yes, I am one of the few remaining. Where are you going?”

“To my grandmother’s house, of course. My grandmother will be so pleased to hear that I met a wolf this time.”

“What? Why? Are you a member of the Red Family?” The wolf gave Scarlet the stink eye.

“Well, yes. But I don’t want to kill the wolves. I don’t want to marry a wood-cutter. I am going to be a model!” Scarlet stuck a pose.

The wolf continued to give the posing Scarlet the stink eye, then bounded off into the forest. Perhaps this weird little member of the Red Family was the key to the revenge of the wolves! He hurried to the cottage style castle of Ginger Rossa Redford (those wood cutters were very successful men), and quickly broke in.

He searched the bedroom (because she was supposed to be ill, as all the other Red Family Grandmothers were when the granddaughters visited), but she wasn’t there. He searched the kitchen, and found nothing. He searched the living room, the sewing room, the sun room, the drawing room, the library, the spare bedroom, and the attic, but she was nowhere to be found. He finally looked in the carriage house, and found the carriage missing. Walking slowly, trying to figure out why the littlest Red Family member had been sent to the grandmother’s house, he decided that perhaps the grandmother had been ill, and had died before the little Red could make it.

So he went back to the bedroom, put on a fashionable nightgown, and hid under the covers of the bed.

Scarlet arrived soon after the wolf had concealed himself. She let herself into the house, knowing that it was her Grandmother’s day to volunteer at the Little Red Riding Hood Memorial Museum. She walked into the kitchen and left the basket of food on a counter, then decided (because she wasn’t allowed to go home until the next day, Mother’s orders) that she would practice her walk in her grandmother’s high heeled shoes.

She walked into her grandmother’s bedroom, and turned directly to the closet without once glancing toward the bed. Just trying on the shoes would be no fun if she didn’t also have a suitably fashionable outfit, so Scarlet stripped off her clothes and started digging through the closet.

All the while, the wolf had been waiting to make an appropriately grandmother-y noise of welcome, but when Scarlet began taking off her clothes, he waited to see what she would do next.

Scarlet grabbed a hideous peacock print scarf and folded it into a mini-skirt. She looked so silly that the wolf couldn’t help but snort. Scarlet turned around, and gaped at the wolf.

“Grandmother… is that… you?” She asked, fear, guilt, and disbelief coloring her tone.

“Why yes,” said the wolf in a very high-pitched voice. “I was just sleeping.”

“But aren’t you supposed to be at the Museum?”

“I was feeling ill, my child, so I stayed home today.”

“Oh. Sorry about your clothes Grandmother, I knowyoudon’tlikeitwhenIwearthem buuuut Ijustreallyrealyreallywanttobeamodel sooooo Iwaspracticing.” Scarlet said all that so fast the wolf had a hard time understanding her.

Just then a cat wandered by the door pausing only long enough to whisper “Skank” at Scarlet, who was standing there in her underwear.

The wolf had a very natural reaction to seeing a cat; he barked. Loudly.

“Ha!”Shrieked Scarlet, “I knew you weren’t Grandmother! You’re the wolf I met in the forest!”

“No, no,” the wolf said, again using the high-pitched voice, “I am too your grandmother.”

“Then explain your big arms!”

“All the better to hug you with. Come give your grandmother a hug.”

“Okay.” Scarlet went over and hugged the wolf. The cat walked by again whispering “slut.”

“That was weird.” Scarlet said, and then ripped the covers off the wolf. “Ha! Your legs are much too large to be my grandmother!”

“No, no, they are all the better to run with my dear.” The wolf replied, quickly losing ground.

“And your ears! They are huge! And furry!”

“All the better to hear what that little judgmental cat says. And it isn’t fur; that is my hair.”

“You liar. Look at your big teeth!”

“All the better to eat you with! Now the wolves will have their revenge on the Red Family!” With that he lunged at Scarlet, who jumped out of the way.

Just then, right on cue, a handsome wood-cutter came bursting through the door. “Aha you fiend! Leave the poor girl alone, or I shall chop you in half with my ax!”

“Noooooooo!” moaned Scarlet. “This is sooo not what I wanted out of life.”

“What?” asked the wood-cutter.

“What?” asked the wolf.

“I told you, I don’t want to kill any wolves. I don’t want to marry a wood-cutter. I want to be a model!”

“Huh?” The two males scratched their heads.

“I’ve got it!” shouted Scarlet with a little dance of joy. “Come with me!”

Scarlet scooped up her clothes, put them on, and then grabbed the hand of the wood-cutter and the scruff of the wolf. She rushed them out the door and up the lane to the Little Red Riding Hood Memorial Museum. She dragged the two to the little cottage that was the original cottage of the Little Red Riding Hood’s Grandmother.

“Wait here!” Yelled Scarlet as she dashed off.

The wolf and the wood cutter looked at each other, and shrugged. A few minutes later, Scarlet reappeared, holding an ax, a basket, and dragging another man behind her.

“Now, Wolf, Wood cutter, this is Jean-Philippe, a painter. We are going to model the story of Little Red Riding Hood, and the painting will hang in the museum, and I will be a model!”

The wolf and the wood-cutter looked at the painter. They all shrugged.

Scarlet went on to win Village’s Next Top Model. The wood-cutter married Scarlet’s little sister. And the wolf found a safer place to live. Their painting can still be seen in the lobby of the Little Red Riding Hood Memorial Museum.

Want to read any of the original versions? Check out: http://www.pitt.edu/~dash/type0333.html

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Goldilocks and the Three Bears

February 1, 2010 at 8:15 pm (Fairy Tales, Humor, Uncategorized) (, , , , , , )

Once upon a time a little girl named Goldilocks went for a walk. Now you might think that Goldilocks is a very strange name for a parent to bestow upon his or her child, but Goldilocks had eleven older siblings, and her parents had run out of names. Her father took one look at her and said, “Hmmm, this one had golden locks of hair. What about…. Goldilocks?” Her mother responded, “Oh, I don’t even care anymore. That works. At least we will be able to tell which one she is.”

But back to the real story; Goldilocks was out walking, and she ran across a little house in the woods. It was a surprisingly nice house, considering that it was deep in the woods far away from civilization. Now, you might be wondering why a little girl was wandering about, totally unsupervised, deep in the woods, but you have to realize that with eleven older siblings, her parents don’t really care what she does.

But again, back to the story. Goldilocks was dancing and skipping about so, by the time she got to the house, Goldi was pretty tired. She went up to the house, pushed open the door, and went in. Goldi had never learned about stranger danger, nor had she learned about common decency — such as knocking. So Goldi entered the secluded little house, and found that no one was home. It was a strange house, with big scratches on the floor, and lots of berries and fish hanging from the ceiling, but Goldi noticed none of this because there were three big bowls of porridge on the counter. She was very hungry and ran up to the counter. Normally, Goldilocks would turn up her nose as such boring cuisine, but she had really exerted herself on her walk, and was ready to eat anything. She couldn’t find a spoon (because really, why would a bear need a spoon?) so Goldi stuck her face in the first bowl. It was much too hot, so she tried the next bowl. It was much too cold, so Goldi stuck her face in the last bowl, which had just the right amount of sugar in it. Goldi disgustingly slurped up the contents of the bowl, licking up every last drop.

Once she had finished eating, Goldilocks saw three big chairs. They were especially fluffy looking, so she ran over to try them out. The first chair was so big; Goldi couldn’t even climb up into it. The second chair was a rocking chair, and Goldilocks rocked in it so hard that she went flying off the chair. Goldi didn’t like falling off, so she tried the third chair. It was a bean bag chair that was just the right size, but Goldi didn’t have the attention span to just sit in it, so she went upstairs to check out the rest of this house.

Upstairs Goldilocks found two beds. You were probably expecting for there to be three beds, but Mamma and Papa bear are married and thus share a bed. The first bed Goldi tried was much too firm. The second was perfect — not too small, not too firm. Goldi jumped on the bed for a bit, but she soon tired and fell asleep in the bed.

Meanwhile, the three bears were out on a hunting trip. They had made their porridge, and then realized that it would go very nicely with some salmon. So off they went to the river to catch some salmon. The bears caught a few fish and headed back to their little house. When they got there, Papa bear noticed that the front door was wide open. The three bears rushed into the house and, upon entering, saw porridge splattered all over the house. Then they saw that there was a hole in the wall from where a little foot had crashed through it after being propelled from the rocking chair. Then the three rushed upstairs, fearing the worst. The destruction in that room was terrible. Feathers floated in the air from a ripped pillow. A spring was sticking up through the baby bear’s bed. A little golden head drooled on a decorative pillow. The Mamma bear roared, “HOW DARE YOU RUIN MY DECORATIONS! LOOK HOW MUCH CLEANING I HAVE TO DO! HAVE YOU NO MANNERS? GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” Up popped little Goldilocks from the bed. She gave a little wave to the bears, and then jumped out the window. Somehow Goldi didn’t get hurt, and she ran, skipped and danced her way home.

The End.

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